If your forearm is longer than a pencil, you are too old to trick-or-treat.
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I know, I know, I know. I am super late on this one. I have been meaning to get to it over the past few days but I have been pre-occupied with other things obviously. Ok, give me a second to get fired up and eat a tootsie roll.
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Dear creepy old people who still trick-or-treat,
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You are hogging all the candy for the little ones. Do you see the children lines up in the above photo? Yes they need candy. They like candy, a lot. They are short, and tiny, and they need candy to grow into strong adults. Here you come, all 20 something swoopin in and taking all the good stuff. Here’s the thing. You are old. You have a job. You have a bank account. You have money. Why do you feel the need to encroach on the only holiday where tiny Americans get a break and FINALLY get some free candy? All day. All night. All these miniature people think about is candy. They want it. They need it. Everyone in 80% of the houses in their entire city wants to give it to them. They dress up like goblins, ghosts, pumpkins, and unicorns to get it. They go through the humiliation of countless photos, cheek squeezing, and tushy tapping. What do you do? Nothing. You drink a corona, smoke a cig, and pretend to be a “zombie” by drawing a tear of blood on your eye with a crayola marker. SO I ask in the name of the tiny ones, please stop being douchers and stealing their candy. That’s what you are doing. Stealing. There is no doubt about it. Thanks for your time. Also, you look gay with eye makeup.
-Matt
